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Never turn down a “freebie”

There’s a old country saying, “Never look a gift horse in the mouth.” The corollary to that old saying for aggie columnists, like me, is, “Never turn down ’freebie’ humorous stories that make your life easier.”

That’s what happened to me this week when I opened an email from my high school English Teacher, ol’ Parse deFrayze, who lives in retirement in Kansas City. His email contained two funny stories that I’m gonna use because my brain is in low gear to come up with story ideas this week. 

I have no idea of the origin of either story, so I can’t give proper attribution. But, here goes:



***

A freshly ordained rural minister, Rev. Saul M. Reeder, new to his humble country church in Missouri, was making the rounds of his potential parishioners. One of the first he encountered was a sweaty, rustic farmer working in his field.



Being concerned about the farmer’s soul, the Rev. Reeder asked the man, “Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord today, my good man?”

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his weeding work, the farmer replied, “Naw, these are soybeans.”

“You don’t understand,” said Rev. Reeder, “Are you lost?”

“Naw! I’ve lived here all my life,” answered the farmer.

“Are you prepared for the resurrection?” the frustrated reverend asked.

This caught the farmer’s attention and he asked, “When’s it gonna be?”

Thinking he had made some religious progress, Rev. Reeder replied, “It could be today, or tomorrow, or the next day.”

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, “Well, don’t mention it to my wife. She don’t get out much and she’ll wanna go all three days.”

***

Here’s the second “freebie” story: A seed company salesman is driving through his territory and sees a sign in the front yard of a neat rural house: “Talking Dog for Sale.”

That piques his interest and, thinking he might conjure up a new seed customer, he rings the doorbell and, after a bit of small talk, the farmer tells him the talking dog is in the backyard and to go take a look. 

So, the salesman goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just lolling comfortably in the shade.

“You really talk?” the salesman asks cautiously.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?” the salesman persists.

The mutt nonchalantly scratches behind an ear and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

“I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. But, the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down and raise a family.

“So, I signed up for a job with the Transportation Security Agency at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and, eventually, was awarded a batch of medals and a gold-plated feed bowl.

“Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired,” the dog concluded.

The salesman is amazed. He goes back to the front porch and asks the home owner what the price is for the dog.

The owner says, “Ten smackeroos.”

The salesman says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap for just $10?”

The owner replies, “He’s such a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

***

Well, when my Ainsworth, Neb., pickup truck buyer, ol’ P. Lowe deRhode, came yesterday to take the truck home, I got paid in three kinds of bread. One was money and the others were a pair different kinds of loaves of luscious homemade bread made by his wife. Thanks, folks, and I hope you made it home safe and sound.

And, since Lowe, didn’t want to take the blue hard-plastic pickup bed cover with him, I’ve got it for sale cheap. Anyone interested can e-mail me at htcsac@gmail.com.

***

This week, my big chance to enhance my retirement funds appeared lost, but then reappeared. Let me explain. I bought three $2 tickets to enter the Mega Millions lottery for more than a BILLION bucks. And, sadly, my number wasn’t picked in the drawing. I’m still poor. But, nobody won, so I’ll buy a couple more tickets for the next Mega drawing and get a second chance to help pay off the national debt.

***

Words of wisdom for the week: “If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably are lacking any sense at all.” Have a good ‘un.

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Milo Yield

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