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New cattlemen essentials

In this era with inflationary money seemingly falling into folks’ pockets, quite a few city folks have made a bundle and figured that moving out of the city, out of a corner office, away from the crime and congestion might be smart move. 

And, many of those smart urban folks decide to move to the country and raise cattle. They think it can’t be as hard as running the Yellowstone Ranch. They figger it’s an ideal way to live a bucolic ranching lifestyle and make some easy money. 

So, they make the move onto 10-acres to raise their cattle. It’s a plot too poor for anything else. Once moved in, they commence to gather the following status-conscious, cattle-raising equipment:



• Wide-brimmed cowboy hats (one felt, one straw), four pair of tight denims, and a pair of $600 snakeskin boots. 

• A leather belt with a big silver buckle that a sizeable belly can hang over comfortably. 



• A new custom-painted, air-conditioned pickup truck with automatic transmission, power steering, ear-splitting entertainment system, never-get-lost GPS feature, cattle-coaxing front bumper, and close-to-automatic rear trailer hitch.

• A gun rack for the rear window of the pickup, but no rifle. Use it for displaying a walking stick and a rope.

• A bumper sticker declaring “Cowboys Do It All!” 

• Two gooseneck trailers — one big enough to make people gawk in envy when they spy it going down the highway and one small enough to park in front of the local cafe. 

• A $400 horse and a $2,000 saddle. 

• At least two heeler dogs — one blue and one red — to ride in the pickup bed, plus a tiny, yappy Yorkie that fits snugly into a denim jacket wool-lined pocket.

• At least four head of cattle — Watusi, Dexter or Scottish Highlander — one bull, one steer and two cows or heifers.

• Four big round bale feeders and a $100,000 new shed for hay storage. 

• A half-spool of barbed wire, three steel fence posts, post driver, and a split-open mineral sack as permanent pickup bed fixtures.

• An open line of credit at the bank.

• And, finally, always a big smile, even when there’s no reason to have one. 

***

I’ve a friend, ol’ Hans R. Greezy, who’s a mechanic. He’s an automotive specialist — specializing in cars and pickups.

Not long ago, he and I were visiting while he changed the oil in my old 1997 Ford pickup, and Hans said he wuz thinking about changing his fee structure. 

He said, “Yep. I’m thinking about charging veterinarian, zoo keeper and aquarian fees, not repair fees.”

“Why’s that?” I asked.

Hans replied with a smile, “Because, over the years, I’ve worked on lots of Pintos, Mustangs, Colts, Bobcats, Broncos, Rams, Cougars, Bison, and Wildcats. And, I’ve worked on a fair share of Barracudas, Beetles, Cheetahs, Cobras, Eagles, Larks, Rabbits, Raptors, Road Runners, Sables, Skylarks, Stingrays, and Vipers, too.”

***

It’s getting closer to Christmas, so it’s time I start including some holiday stories in this column. Here’s one: 

Two rural nephews were talking about what gifts to give this year to their various family members. 

One brother said to the other, “We’ve got to get a present for rich old aunt MayBelle. She can hardly walk around any more. Got any suggestions?

His brother looked at him, grinned and winked, “How about floor wax?”

***

Found this little note from ol’ Santa Claus while going through my downsizing “stuff:”

“I’m sending this note to remind you

That taxes has taken away.

The things I find most essential,

My reindeer, my workshop and my sleigh.

So, this year I’ll make rounds on a donkey. 

He’s old and crippled and slow.

So, you’ll know if you don’t see me this Christmas.

I’m out on my a** in the snow.”

***

Words of wisdom for the week:  “Anyone with a chip on his shoulder isn’t chopping much wood.” 

“Not long ago the marriage knot was a splice, not a half-hitch.”

And, finally, “With the new morality, so few words are naughty or offensive any more that a child can grow up without once having his or her mouth washed out with soap. 

Have a good ‘un.

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