Ever since the dawn of time and the later emergence of humankind, all cultures have depicted the times of their lives through assorted performing arts.

Out West, amateur thespian groups can be found in the larger cities and in most small towns. Like musical groups, thespian players often attach oddball names to themselves.

Our town’s “thespian artistes” call themselves The Mighty Hiss and Boo Art Players. Mostly, they do comedy, melodrama and variety shows.

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No one has awarded them any medals for their productions, but they don’t care. The next Hiss and Boo production is titled:

“Pullquote.”

Dastardly Deeds in Galloping Gulch or How Nellie-Nellie Yonson and Hunka-Hunka Heart Throb Foil Dastardly Desperdoes and Find True Love. SETTING:

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Sarsaparilla Saloon in

Galloping Gulch, Mont.

TIME:

High noon.

Characters:

Heroine:

Nellie-Nellie Yonson … Owner of Seventh Heaven Cattle Ranch

Hero:

Hunka-Hunka Heartthrob … cowboy/bronc rider/horse breaker. Smitten with Nellie-Nellie

Bangtail Bob: Sidekick to hero … Thinks he’s Elvis reincarnated

Dawg-Breath Dan: Slick talking land developer. Wants Nellie-Nellie’s land as well as Nellie’s hand

Rancid Ralph: Villain … Never bathed cattle rustler

Tonsil Varnish Val: Villain … Inebriated lightbulb thief

Lulubelle Lalapalooza: Proprietress of High Noon Sarsaparilla Saloon

Polly Pathetic, Dora

Dismal and Maude

Miserable (Siamese Triplets): Swampers in Sarsaparilla Saloon Carrie Nation: Teetotaler … Against any kind of hooch

Buffalo Sal: Peddler … sells Prickly Ash Bitters “health cure”

Tillie Tulip: Galloping Gulch lady sheriff

Bimbo Begonia: Saloon girl singer

Twylla Twilight: Saloon girl singer (sings everything opera style)

Prudence Purity: Saloon girl singer

Piano player: Wears top hat; has fat stogie clamped in teeth (man or woman)

Backstage Hands: As needed

Songs: Parodies to familiar tunes, Glowworm, Wait till the Sun Shines Nellie, Ta-Ra-Ra Boom- De-Ay and Buffalo Gals.

I’m happy to share the entire script (including words to songs and music) on request at no charge. Consider it a gift to thespians of the world. Edit, add, change script as wanted or suited to the needs of the performers.

Remember: Laughter is the best elixir of all. ❖