Petersen: Vegetarian anthems
The core feeling among vegetarians is:
They’ve figured out the meaning of life.
They’re quite sure that they’ll live forever.
Is anybody else, besides myself, confused about differences among assorted styles of vegetarians? Just to clarify, I’ve penned some definitions in verse form.
(the most common pious type)
But they will drink bovine milk!
(And hen-fruit they also like).
All kinds of meat and also eggs
But lactos do accept cow-milk!
(A critter standing on four legs)!
Any fauna-critter product
Except the unassuming egg —
(Which come from chicken hens that cluck)!
And lastly, holier-than-thou Vegans:
Who won’t ingest — ever, ever!
Nada dairy, eggs, or meat!
Oh, never, never, never, never!
Vegans and vegetarians claim
Red-meat eaters must be wholly insane
V and Vs get real smug
Treat meat eaters with scorn and shrugs
For V and Vs have found the key
To living forever and ever, by gee!
V and Vs proclaim in print
That meat is food I should stint
I’ll never get sick or take to my bed
If I don’t eat meat, especially red
Meat clogs arteries; makes one dead
(So, Vs say and shudder with dread).
My cholesterol, they claim, will rise
If I eat meat instead of rice
Consume only tofu and soybeans
And I’ll fit forever into my jeans
Now listen here, oh, V and V,
Don’t preach or sermonize to me!
I’ve a hard-won right to choose
Give up meat! I refuse!
So, vegetarians, please! Shut up!
I have listened more than enough!
Cuz despite your smug huffing ’n puffing
You’re someday gonna be dyin’ of nothing! ❖
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