Pitts: You may be a tool nut if …
There’s nobody I admire more than someone who knows their tools, unless it’s someone who also collects them. And by the way, you don’t have to be a guy to be a tool nut. My wife, for example, is a fabulous eyewear mechanic and has what I believe to be the world’s largest collection of screwdrivers under 2 inches long.
You may be a tool nut too if…
You know that the generic name for a crescent wrench is an adjustable open-end wrench.
You view gardening as an excuse to use your reciprocating saw to prune trees.
You’ve gone on YouTube with your own 10 worst things to buy at Harbor Freight.
You know Milwaukee for their tools, not their beer. Although I’m told it is equally good.
While in the bank, your wife discovers, horror of horrors, there’s still a red rag hanging out of your back pocket.
You believe that armed with nothing more than a spray can of WD 40 and a roll of duct tape you can fix anything. If something doesn’t move or open you use the WD 40 and if it does move but shouldn’t, that’s where the duct tape comes in.
You’re playing a word association game and when I say “Irwin” you say vise grips, when I say yellow you say DeWalt, and when I say washer and dryer you say, “Not in my shop!”
You’ve dusted your house with the aid of an air compressor.
You think the biggest problems we face as a nation are rounded-off bolt heads, rust, the metric system and not enough counter space in the shop.
You have used a Dremel to cut your toe nails because you can’t reach down that far.
You know how to sharpen a drill bit on a grinder.
In just a second’s glance you can tell if you need a half-inch or 9/16 socket.
You believe Popular Mechanics started going down hill when they started allowing all this high-tech, laser, 3D printers and CNC stuff to infiltrate their pages.
You know Sal Ammoniac is not a jazz trumpet player or our UN ambassador but is instead a compound used in soldering.
Your friends are jealous of you because you claim you were once inside a Snap-on truck.
You know how to use a multimeter to check if the batteries in your flashlight are still good.
When I mention the words “tombstone” or “Lincoln” you know I’m not talking about a grave marker or one of our best-ever presidents, but an arc welder.
You got a nice sweater from Sears for Christmas and exchanged it for a drill driver.
There is a Case knife, original Leatherman or a Leatherman Micra on your person at all times.
You put a four-speed transmission on your motorized toothbrush.
You relish any opportunity to open a tight cap on a jar with your water pump pliers.
At the very least you are missing the tip of one finger.
There are at least 30 hammers in your collection, no two of them alike.
You have ever used a ball-peen hammer and a chisel to pry off the back of your watch.
All you wanted for Christmas was a decent screw extractor, but were disappointed yet again.
You wanted to name your twins “Mig” and “Tig” but your wife said, “Over my dead body.”
You have argued for hours over the pros and cons of Phillips versus Torx.
In case of an earthquake or tornado the first thing you’d grab on your way out of the house would be your Skilsaw. Other than your wife, of course.
You know that if something doesn’t turn out right it’s always the tool’s fault.
The second thing you look for in a tool are the words, “Made in USA.” (The first is the price.)
You have left instructions for it to be mentioned in your obituary that you were a long-time member in good standing of the Craftsman Club. ❖
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