The Lives of the Cowgirls
Remember awhile back — when, every so often — Garrison Keillor on National Public Radio would present a skit spoofing The Lives of the Cowboys?
Well, here’s a radio skit spoofing The Lives of the Cowgirls. Theme mustic: SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW…
NARRATOR VOICE: This program brought to you by TRIANGLE DINNER GONGERS. Made of forged steel, GONGERS can be used to turn cattle (SOUND OF BAWLING CATTLE), wake up a sleeping cowpuncher (SOUND OF SNORING), “GIT UP, YER BURNIN’ DAYLIGHT!” or call a cowboy for dinner: CLANG, CLANG “COME ‘N GIT IT!”
ALSO SPONSORED BY: RANGE RIDER BEVERAGES: BEER, WHISKEY AND IRISH MOCHA LATTE for those important range-riding occasions. And: CLASSIC COWGIRL ESSENTIAL COLOGNES. Your choice of five aromas: CORRAL DUMPLING, BOOT KICKER, SADDLE SWEAT, SNAFFLE-BIT SLOBBER and the ever-elegant PIG-PEN BOUQUET. (WHINNY. MUSIC FADEOUT.)
It’s springtime and two cowgirls, HANNAH AND WANDA, are riding across the prairie: (SOUND OF HORSES CLIP-CLOPPING).
HANNAH: It certainly is a beautiful day, Wanda. Look at all this greenery. Hay’s gonna be cheaper this fall.
WANDA: Yeah, I guess so. But keep your eyes peeled for that darned white Charolais bull that got away from the herd yesterday.
HANNAH: Not a problem, Wanda. Heck, we’re ridin’ ropin’ cowgirls.
WANDA: Well, let’s get this chore done.
HANNAH: What’s your hurry?
WANDA: There’s a dance tonight.
HANNAH: A dance? Where?
WANDA: Out at Hell’s-A-Roarin’ Supper Club and Roping Arena.
HANNAH: Somebody special there you want to just happen to run into?
WANDA: I won’t know till I get there, but I’ve got a brand-new pair of hot pink Wranglers I want to try out.
HANNAH: (HUGE SIGH) Wanda, Wanda, Wanda. You never learn, do you? Even after that last go-round with that no good, unwashed, red-headed bronc buster who wanted you to run away with him? You were real smitten. Why you even paid his entry fee in the saddle bronc part of the rodeo!
WANDA: (BIG SIGH): Yeah, I know, but he was sooo cute… (ANOTHER SIGH).
HANNAH: You’re a pushover for bronc riders. You oughta raise your sights some….
WANDA: (INTERUPPTING): Hey! I think I see something big and white across the creek! Might be the missing bull! Let’s ride over there. (SPLASHING AS HORSES WADE. JINGLE OF TACK, HOOFBEATS)
HANNAH: Hold up there, Wanda. That’s no bull! That’s a big white stallion. And there’s a 17 hands paint horse standing next to him. (WHINNYING SOUNDS). And who are those two guys sittin’ on the ground?
WANDA: Looks like they’re havin’ a picnic.
DEEP MALE VOICE: Ladies, would you care to join me and my partner for lunch?
SECOND MALE VOICE: We help you off horses. Ugh.
WANDA: Well, my goodness, Hannah, I am hungry. That roast beef, twice-baked potato, sautéed mushrooms and green beans with almonds certainly looks tasty.
HANNAH: Well, okay, if you insist. But be careful. One of those cowpunchers is wearing a mask and a clean shirt.
WANDA: I think they’re both just too cute for words.
FIRST MALE VOICE: Champagne, Ladies? (SOUND OF CORK POPPING)
SECOND MALE VOICE: Me pour for you. (SOUND OF LIQUID POURING)
BOTH MALE VOICES: To your health, ladies. (SOUND OF GLASSES CLINKING. MUSIC — SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW).
Did Hannah and Wanda locate the missing bull? Did the two handsome strangers help them search? Did Wanda ever get to the dance? We may never know. You’ll just have to ask Wanda … or those two mystery men, especially the one wearing the mask. Wanda says he has nice eyes. ❖