Deadly natural remedy 

A nearing-retirement veterinarian and an intern from the state’s vet school made a visit to a horse farm to check up on a horse whose owner thought the hoss wuz suffering from a chronic cough. 

After they got through examining and treating the horse, they sat down with the owner to discuss followup treatments for his horse. During their visit, the horse owner broke into a long, convulsing coughing bout. 

The old vet, who had known the horse owner for a long time, commented, “Man, that’s a nasty sounding cough. You sound worse than your horse. It that cough chronic?”

The horse owner rasped out, “Well, a few months ago I started smoking marijuana to ease the pain from arthritis in my joints. A friend in town said it worked for him and he said it was safe to smoke since it was all natural. At first it worked, but recently I started this cough and can’t seem to shake it.”

The vet replied, “Friend, just because it’s all natural doesn’t mean it’s safe. I think it’s making your cough significantly worse.”

The horse owner frowned and shook his head. “But it’s herbal,” he insisted. “It’s natural. How could something natural be bad for you?”

The old vet leaned back slightly, folded his arms, and replied knowingly, “Nature isn’t nearly as harmless as people think. Apple seeds contain cyanide. Certain mushrooms can shut down your organs. Poke berries look like wild grapes but they can kill you. Just because something grows in the ground doesn’t mean it’s safe.”

The horse owner looked uncertain and started to make a rebuttal, but the old vet interrupted, “In fact, there’s a plant in my own landscape garden in my backyard that would kill you if you sat under it for just 5 minutes.”

That got the horse owner’s full attention. He swallowed hard, nodded, and said, “Alright. I understand. I’ll stop smoking MJ.”

Satisfied, the old vet and the intern said their farewells and headed down the road. 

The intern was quiet and seemed to be contemplating something.

When they returned to town, the pair headed out for lunch. As they’re sitting down and opening their menus, the intern paused, looked over at the old vet and said, “What you told that horse owner is weighing on my mind. So, I’ve got to ask, What’s that plant in your garden that kills you if you sit under it for 5 minutes? I’ve never heard of such a thing.”

The old vet shrugged, smiled and answered, “Oh, the plant is a water lily in my fish pond. Sometimes you’ve got to get creative when you’re dispensing health and medical advice that the patient will follow.”

***

A wealthy rancher and his wife were approaching their retirement years. They had five children. It concerned the old couple greatly that all of their five children were married, but not a single couple had produced them a grandchild. To date, they had no second generation grandkids as heirs to their land and fortune.

So, the couple had an idea. They invited all their five children and their spouses for a big fancy dinner. After they were all seated around the long table, the old man took it upon himself to deliver the blessing for the meal. 

However, before he started the blessing, he told the siblings that he and their mother were disappointed that there were no grandkids to join them sit at their table and enjoy the feast. “But we haven’t given up hope,” he droned. “Yesterday we went over to the bank with our lawyer and set up a sizable trust fund to be given to our first-born grandchild. Now, let’s all bow our heads while I say grace.” 

After he’d finished a lengthy blessing of the food and those who provided it, he and his wife looked up, only to discover they were the only ones left at the table. 

***

The 5-year-old daughter of a young farm couple got all excited when her dad came to the house and told her he’d discovered a new litter of kittens in the farm shop. 

Naturally, the energetic child wanted to go see the new kittens immediately, so her dad led her out to see a new litter. After she returned to the house, breathless, she panted to her mom, “There are four kittens — two boy kittens and two girl kittens.” 

Curiously prompted by her daughter’s knowledge of the kittens’ sex, she asked, “How do you know that?” 

“Well, Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” she replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”

***

When I wuz in college at Bea Wilder U., I took a course in principles of animal breeding. The professor, Dr. Gene Netics, spent most of a class hour talking about sex hormones and their roles in animal breeding.

This was back in the 1960s, and human birth control pills were first coming on the market. Well, as the class hour neared its end, one wiseacre student from New Jersey piped up, “Sir, I’m curious about which sex hormone is the effective one to prevent human conception. Do you know what it is?”

Without blinking an eye, Dr. Netics replied, “Why, yes I can. it’s called ‘selfdenyitall.'”

***

Words of wisdom for the week come from some guy named Adam Serwer. He opined, “We have a data economy that thrives on selling products we don’t need for problems we don’t have, and a public that falls for these ploys — even as we think ourselves much too clever to be fooled.” Have a good ‘un.