The Vegetarians survival kit |

The Vegetarians survival kit

Now, from the same people who brought you the I Hate Chicken Cookbook comes the “Vegetarian’s Survival Kit.” This kit is for you vegetarians, pescatarians, flexitarians, vegans and other lost souls who go through life on an empty stomach. Here is what you will get for only $99.95: 

Tic Tac Breath Mints

A Gallon of Putrid, Stagnant, Insipid and Brackish Water

Wizard Pine Scented Air Freshener 

A Can of Alpo Dog Food

Four Quarts Of Blood From A Celibate Person You Know Very Well 

A Ribeye Steak 

You will need the dog food to feed your dog. Although you may think it is okay to live on a diet of fruits, nuts and berries your dog will go blind or run away from home if you inflict a vegetarian diet on it.

You will need a dog because more than likely it will be the only friend you’ll  have. Vegetarian inclined people are usually unmarried and dead “beets.” This is because they have no social life to speak of. Oh sure, you might get invited to the occasional vegetarian potluck but never anyplace fun like barbecues and baseball games where you can dine on hotdogs. Vegetarians seldom go out to eat at a restaurant because there is nothing on the menu for you to eat. (It is considered uncouth to eat the fresh flowers on the table). If vegetarians have any friends at all they tend to be very boring. 

The law compels me to state that “The Vegetarians Survival Kit” cannot be sold to people with a stable and clear intellect or to one arm people. You see, vegetarians tend to eat food that would make a sword swallower gag; things like tomato and cucumber salads, raisin bread and grapefruit pudding. It requires people with two hands to be vegetarians so they can eat with one hand and hold their nose with the other. Speaking of the olfactory senses… if you insist on eating a diet of legumes and roquefort cheese and still desire to be an active member of our society you will need the Tic Tacs and the Wizard room deodorizer. 

As a vegetarian you probably don’t want to eat anything that was ever alive. Thus you will be forced to give up three things… breakfast, lunch and dinner. About the only thing you can digest that wasn’t alive at one time is water and in Los Angeles and Cleveland even the water is full of animals. About the only water you can drink without murdering organisms is brackish, insipid water in which no animal could live. Here’s mud in your eye.

According to my research, vegetarians tend to be permanently stunted, have children with impaired brain development and are usually anemic. So you will need periodic blood transfusions. Because they also tend to have a low resistance to disease you will want to get your blood from a clean source, if you know what I mean.

I realize that you vegetarians contend that a life sentence of eating vegetables, nuts and berries stabilizes and clears the intellect and enables you to live a longer but wimpier life. But someday you veg heads are going to feel real stupid dying of nothing. 

For your last meal why not have a steak and put a little excitement into your otherwise boring life?

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