Ranch rig

If there’s oil under it, there must be oil in it. That sentiment has been uttered by several farmers and ranchers that I know. Most producers that I know have a ranch rig or two around the place that they just cannot bear to part with. It might have sentimental reasons, be the vehicle that paid for the operation, or just simply be the favorite. Whatever the reason, these rigs are full of character. On the odd chance that one of these relics of automotive history was ever stolen, the description given to the sheriff might read just a tad different than most of the ones they get. I can just imagine the local news going out to visit the rancher at the scene of the crime.

“Tonight at 10, we go out to the eastern part of the county where reports of a failed auto theft have the tiny farming community in turmoil. Action news reporter Tell Lottabull has the story.”

“Thanks Freddie, I’m reporting live from the community of Dirty Water, where earlier today Cornfield County authorities detained a man who failed to steal local rancher Bill Mahlater’s pickup from the front of the local café. Witness’s say the man identified as 22-year-old Keith Needajob Jr., attempted the brazen crime during the early morning hours while patrons were inside enjoying their breakfast and coffee. Witnesses say that despite the local sheriff being in the café at the time, Mr. Needajob was unphased and attempted the heist as the patrons sipped their coffee and laughed as the would be auto thief failed to steal Mr. Mahlater’s pickup. We caught up with Bill Mahlater and got his firsthand account of the ordeal.”

“Wail I was a sittin’ there and Miss Betty had just made a new pot of coffee. I looked out the winda over there and seen this sorry looking critter come sneaking through the parking lot trying to find himself a new set of wheels. Now I’m not real sure why in the world that feller thought that my old 1970 Ford pickup looked like a prime vehicle to tour the world with, but he sure thought it fit his ticket! I wasn’t too awful worried about that pickup leaving the parking lot, unless you know the secret to starting that ol dove it’s kind of a cranky goose. See thar is a tooth missin’ on the flywheel and ever once in a while it lands there when you shut it off. You gotta get out and play tug-o-war with the grill guard with that pickup in gear until the flywheel rocks so the starter finds a tooth to grab hold of. Then you need to pump the throttle three or four times, but never more than five or you’ll flood it. When she does start, there won’t be a fly or a mosquito for 50 miles cause that old 390 burns the amount of oil Oklahoma produces in a week. You better mind where you put your feet, there’s a few holes in the floorboard. The seat has a feed sack covering the springs coming through, and the dash has every receipt from the co-op and feed store from the last year. Boy, I’m glad that kid didn’t steal that rig, my accountant woulda been some kind of sore with me come tax season. Our mid breakfast show was cut short when that crook discovered the real reason I didn’t lock the door on that old feed wagon. See laying there on his favorite saddle blanket using a bottle of Tetracycline for a pillow was my dog Snip. We didn’t have to go restrain that feller; Snip had him pinned down by the seat of his Levi’s until the sheriff got here. That kid ought to find a new line of work, stealin’ cars don’t suit him none.”

“Wow! That’s quite a story! Authorities say that Mr. Needajob will be booked in the county jail after receiving treatment for bite wounds to his hindquarters. Snip was rewarded with a ham breakfast for his efforts, and the town of Dirty Water has a new story to tell. For action news 8 I’m Tell Lottabull reporting.”

That’s all for this week, keep tabs on your side of the barbed wire and remember that some of those old ranch pickups come with their own security system. God bless.

Meinzer is a fourth-generation rancher raised on the southeastern plains of Colorado. He and his family live and ranch in Oshkosh, Neb.