Snarky Laws of the Universe

In this world, there are “lawyer laws” and “non-lawyer laws.” The first are laws formally drafted, implemented, and expected to be obeyed. The second are simply unwritten, observable laws that evolve out of the mists and midst of living.

Today, I’m going to name and list quite a few non-lawyer laws, I call them “Snarky Laws of the Universe.” Most folks have run into them from time to time in their lives. Some are ag related. Some are not.

(1) “Law of Eventual Probability.” It states that, “The probability of an event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.” 

(2) “Futility Factor Law.” It states that, “No failing experimental piece of farm work is ever a total loss. It can always serve as a bad example, not to be repeated.”

(3) “Lament’s Law.” It says that, “Whenever the first fence post is set crooked, or the first furrow is plowed crooked, anything done to straighten the fence or the furrow only makes it worse.” 

(4) “Buller’s Law.” It says that, “When a cattleman winnows down to a choice between two bulls, the majority of the time he will select the one that is infertile.” 

(5) “Spare Parts Corollary Law.” It states that, “The accessibility, during recovery, of a small part that falls from the work bench varies directly with the size of the part, its cost, and its importance to the completion of the work underway.” 

(6) “Bald’s Law.” It states that, “In any given set of circumstances, events will combine to provide the maximum amount of inconvenience for the greatest number of people and they’ll want to pull their hair out in exasperation.”

(7) “Butt’s Law.” It states that, “The length of a meeting is directly related to the number butts sitting in hard chairs in attendance and the length of the info being spouted by the speaker.”

(8) “Homer’s Rule.” It states that, “Experience varies directly with the amount of equipment ruined and time wasted in job.” 

(9) “Work’s Law of Inanimate Perversity.” It states that, “The perversity of any inanimate object, regardless of its composition or configuration, may be expected to perform efficiently at any time or place in an unexpected manner for reasons that are either entirely obscure or completely mysterious.”

(10) “Work’s Law Corollary.” It states that, “An animate object will act the same way as an inanimate object.”

(11) “Warranty’s Law.” It states that, “Anything that has a warranty on it when purchased will break down within 5 minutes or five miles of the end of the warranty period, whichever comes first.”

(12) “Nod’s Law.” It states that, “You will nod once too often and end up buying an auction item you didn’t want, when you only wanted to run up the bid for a friend.”

(13) “Buck’s Law.” It states that, “Your gentlest horse will upend you from the saddle when you least expect it and always in front of a crowd.”

(14) “Gate’s Law.” It states that, “Any new equipment bought will be too wide for at least one gate.”

(15) “Law of Inverse Evolution.” It states that, “A mongrel bull is always the one that jumps the fence into your cow herd.”

Since we’re in the midst of political season, here’s a few “Snarky Laws of Politics.”

(1) “Photo Fog Law.” It states that, “All negative political photos will feature the ugliest candidate photo possible and all positive political photos will make the candidate appear as God-like as possible.”

(2) “Promise’s Law.” It states that, “Any project promised by any candidate will end up costing twice as much, take twice the time to achieve, and accomplish half as much as promised.”

(3) “Political Plundering Law.” It states that, “All politicians will leave office richer than when they entered.

(4) “Debate’s Law.” It states that, “The clarity that emerges from any political debate is inversely proportional to its decibel level — high yields low and low yields high.”

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My ol’ fishing friend Kastin Flingitt, spent some of his time in the Air Force stationed in California. One morning at coffee the topic turned to tart bumper snickers. He said one day he wuz driving on a California freeway when a car whizzed by him with a bumper snicker that read, “Quit picking your nose. I can see you in my rear view mirror.”

He also revealed a recent senior moment. He was looking at some health insurance papers and noticed his name listed as Kastin M. Flingitt. His middle initial is “R.” So, he called the company so they could correct the error. The company promised to resolve the issue. 

But, when Kastin hung up and reviewed the insurance papers, he saw that the “M” actually was his gender identification. Oops.

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It’s time to wrap this week up. So, I’ll end up with a couple of “Snarky Milo Observations.”

(1) “These days it’s easier to stop on a dime than to achieve anything spending it.”

(2) “Life’s simpler when you quit when you are behind.”

Have a good ‘un.